Sunday, January 4, 2015

Re: Solved

Feels like the beginning of locomotion. Gears turning. Metal grinding. Power increasing. Or I could just be imagining things.

I have not very much time to get the grad school applications done. One was due back in December, and I got it off with nary a hiccup. At the time, it felt like leaving my home state of over 10 years was in the cards, that is to say that I really welcomed the change. As per usual things came up to impress upon me my desire to stay around these parts. I presume this is how most people's lives go: the road before them forks, and their list of reasons to go left or right are about equal length, but have very different items.

I was struck by several writing ideas, which is not new. What is different this time is that they were all old ideas, or rather, they were all new ideas about old stories. One of them even struck me hard enough that this very morning I spat out twenty pages. With no solid thoughts on what to do with the writing, it just came out of me, and I was very happy for it. I think in an effort to increase the rate of content on this blog, I might even post bits of it up on here.

I did an interview that had some interesting questions. One was about my aspirations. For the first time, in a space where others could react to them, I put down my thoughts about the kind of success I want. The example I gave was being stuck in traffic behind a bus with an ad for my book on the rear. That happened to me, not even a week ago. I regretted the lane I had chosen, and relaxed in my seat, resigned. The back of the bus filled my vision. I can't remember the name of the book, or the name of the author, only that it was a salacious undertaking, with sexy lettering and blurbs. I thought to myself, "Wow, good for you," and then I thought "That would be cool to see an ad for my books like that." I was glad to be able to confidently articulate that to someone else, and that that would be up on a website somewhere for people to experience.

At the end of last semester, serendipity had me meet a young person who was struggling with depression and other challenges. I shared with the person my own past troubles with droughts of self worth. In the days following I thought about my words, and what might've been better, and how I really felt about my experiences, and my time thus far in this world. What I happened upon was a few realizations I would not have noticed had I not had that conversation. I realized that I no longer used the same language that I had heard from that young person, "I hate my life" and "I hate myself." And when those thoughts from my past echoed to me, I was able to definitively say, "No, I'm doing okay," and "No, I think I'm alright." Far from perfect, even farther from content, I have my issues, and I have my struggles. And tomorrow could very well be less good, but the part of me that absolutely wants to see it is so much larger than it once was. Even in this blog posts of mine, I use the word happy far more often than I thought I would.

So. Yearly check up. In summation, 2014 wasn't great, and it wasn't terrible. On the stroke of midnight to close it, no great calamity occurred, so by all estimations, it's all going to keep spinning on. This ugly, beautiful, terrible, awesome thing called life. 

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