Thursday, February 18, 2016

Part I

I found myself awake at 5:30 this morning, lying next to Nervousness. Tomorrow is the author talk at a local high school. All last week I had wondered if maybe I had grown socially, if my stage fright of years, which led me to speak in front of audiences and then afterward remember little of what I said. No, was the whisper, I'm still here.

I got an email with some questions that would likely be asked, and that was a great comfort for two reasons. One, it means that they will likely ask questions, which indicates at least some level of interest. I won't be sitting in front of a group of people who were forced to stare at me. Secondly, I know what some of the questions at least will be. I am very focused on doing a good job, being insightful, which is to say helpful, for the sake of these young people. I think I have an idea of where they are sitting, and I don't want to be the latest in a long list of unhelpful adults.

Still, even though I am hours removed from that quiet moment in the dark, I find myself hyper sensitive. All of my clothes suddenly seem wrong. My hair, my shoes. But at least the feeling of unpreparedness are far enough removed that I can look at them objectively, analyze them thoughtfully. I do not want to fail, simply put.

So this will be something new, in multiple senses. I will post again after I've passed through to the other side. Hopefully whole.

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