Thought-Drive

I am alive. It is unfortunate that such a thing is an even greater uncertainty in these times, and not because whatever random 90s disaster movie turned out to be true, but because of our bizarre relationship with objective truth. I haven't posted in some time, and not for lack of thinking about it. The walls of my apartment have been my world for the most part since the "virus season" began. I leave once a week for groceries, sometimes for walks, but generally my world has shrunk down to a scant few square feet. I work in this chair. I recline on that couch. Sometimes, I share time with friends through my internet connection on yet a third chair. I've learned a lot about myself, and one idea is that without work, I have little reason to go anywhere. Still, the adjustment of being forced to stay at home was difficult. I had strange dreams and stranger thoughts. I wrote a short story , and had the idea to write more, to get together with other writers and commit t...

Distracted thinking saw me contemplating book titles like The Virus Season and invented colloquialisms like 'the 19 in 20.' Working from home has been jarring, also feeling a little trapped. This morning I woke up with a story in my head, so, without a great deal of fanfare, I wrote it down. I don't like the ending. So, there we were, standing on opposite sides of the lot with an audience of parked cars ordered neatly into their spaces, watching us do a little dance. One dog and walker went left, while another went right, one back, another forward. All the while holding tight to the leashes of our family pets who didn’t know a thing about social distance. In the beginning, Dad took Yorker out mostly. I think he needed something to do, wanted anything to control. He never said if he was taking time off, or if he’d have a job to go back to, if he was working, or if he was looking for work. Then, some time later, I guess Mom wanted in on the activity. She was working fr...

I like to tell my students when they fail that an error only becomes a mistake when they neglect to learn from it. It's largely semantics, but there is a certain difference in permanence between the two. Make a wrong turn on a new commute, that's an error, that's an opportunity. Make the same wrong turn six months later, that's a mistake, that's a flatly wrong decision. Like an exhausted mine, it's settled and resigned in what it is, and what it isn't. So, the cover art is almost done for the third book, but I finished the edits yesterday. There is still a dull whine like I've forgotten something, but before I left the office I was able to read the last line on the last page, be satisfied with the sum total, and sigh. The conversations about Covid 19 in earshot have been escalating, but in the midst of all that the only thing I felt was gratitude. I'm a bit in awe, really, of the transformation I was able to enact, from the little changes, like wh...

The hallmark holiday was just about done when I realized I had missed it. Seeing the decorations at the grocery store, the pinks and reds in advertisements, I was aware that it was close. But the day of held no specific focus for me. However I did receive an email that the second book was finally available for print orders .  I say finally because an additional wrinkle appeared this go round. I spoke earlier on the exact nature of the measurements: that the trim and border and gutter are all measured down to the thousandth of an inch. This time I also learned that another important measurement is the distance between the edge of the spine and the text of the spine. It took me a moment to even conceptualize why that mattered. The email was a shock because I had already approved of the cover, already submitted the product, the pricing, the distribution, walked away and happily forgot. And then the notification that something had gone wrong. However I did do less staring, less pond...

The director of the program where I had my first job out of college recently went in for his second hip surgery. A group text got circulated, the kind that encourages people to reach out and well wish. I was a week late with my communication, and even then called at a bad time. A few days after that, he called me back, and filled me in on his recovery and retirement. And rehabilitation. He explained the pain of the program, of the discomfort of building up strength again, in preparation for when the pain medication runs dry and one has to endure without supplement. He told me about a lady he used to see at the hospital, recovering from a knee procedure, and how she would always cut corners. He saw her some months later, apparently. She had a limp, and would forever require the use of a cane. I used to be pretty good at math. Or, Maths. I thought that when the cover for the second book arrived, I'd be able to hustle through the publishing process. The problem was that I peeked at...

My manager gifted me with a bookstore gift card for the holiday, and this past weekend I decided to go and see what I could buy. I spent very little time researching my options and cursed myself later for my dereliction. I walked circles around the store, gift card in hand, like maybe it was a dowsing rod or other divination tool. Like it would vibrate when I was near the item I sought. I had aspirations, and each was quickly dashed as it bubbled up into my mind. I saw the music section in the back and thought about all the music I wish I had unlimited access to. Then I realized I don't own a CD player. I thought that surely there must be some mechanism to purchase mp3s and transfer them to my phone or a cloud account or... and then I was in the toys and games section. I thought about something to put on my desk, a puzzle I could articulate that would stimulate my mind while winding away the down hours. But I had never heard of any of the games; I was suspicious of the promises on...

Over the past few months, I've been on a kind of cooking quest. I have a lot of gaps in my education and understanding of food, and the most used machine in my various living situations has been the microwave. I had pots and pans, but I had them more out of reasoning that I should because other people had them rather than that I should be using them. I spent some hours staring over a friend's shoulder in late summer as he meal prepped for the week for his family. I learned about cutting techniques and spice families, heating principles and preparation fundamentals. The biggest thing was a growing comfort with the preparation of food, personalizing the various procedures. I've ruined a lot of dishes, but in so doing I've learned a great deal. I'm going to relate this to a recent conversation I had with my cover artist. He sent me the latest version of what he'd been working on and I was, as usual, impressed. However, he expressed to me that he was having diffi...