Small. Journeys

 

For the past few years, summer work in education has not been anything like the benefit assumed by people who don’t work in the industry. “Getting summers off” is largely a K12 idea, and even then the season is made busy by other things, like material rushing into a vacuum. Time finds a way to spend itself. However, this week, today, I discovered a wellspring of time that I could reasonably project forward as lighter, open even. So, among other things, it felt appropriate to provide an update.

I came back from my first official professional vacation with a lot of understanding for when I would hear other people “working themselves back” or “getting used to being in the office again.” I had work waiting for me, more than there would have been had I not taken the time off, but it was very easy to accept that such was the tradeoff. It was good to see friends, perhaps even better to be seen by friends. As the echoes of the train ride died down, I was able to separate the parts I enjoyed and the parts that were causing me to recall and relive the stressful parts of the journey. I like the train, was the conclusion. I like the stopping and starting, the going and coming, the seating, the leg room, even the other passengers for the most part. I enjoyed imagining where they were going and why. And I really enjoyed the pace. What I will have to work on is navigating the nighttime hours. If I can figure out how to sleep without disturbing others, to make the hours when the train goes quiet and dark pass by in the same way any other restful evening would, then I can be confident about even loner trips.

And the vacation trip to see friends is only one of several significant moments in a year that’s only half done. I also bought a new (to me) car. I said goodbye to the retired police interceptor that had been carrying me to and fro for over a decade. I had watched it age, and wear, but it wasn’t until I sat back and did the math that I realized I had driven the vehicle for more than a decade, and that the car itself was old enough to vote. I ended up with a mid level sedan of no great remark, but it was only 2 years old, so sitting in it transported me into the future. I could feel the advancements that had changed the entire industry, broken ground on the cutting edge then circled back around to become standard on even common vehicles. I had previously only fantasized about back up cameras and ergonomic seating and push to start. Connecting my phone via blue tooth and playing music was like witchcraft. Likewise a non trivial part of my check vanishes every month now, but so far it’s a fair trade. I really like being able to drive at night because my headlights work. Defying the elements makes me feel like a wizard.

In less than desirable news, I found out I missed the cut for the MFA again, and didn’t get a promotion I went out for, in the same week. Both sets of news were delayed by weeks, and because of that I had already reasoned that when it came, the news wouldn’t be great. I often resent how loss is a great educational opportunity. They say that money doesn’t change a person, but reveals who they actually are, which makes sense, because money is a vehicle for freedom and agency, so the question becomes if a person had no masters, what would they use their power to achieve. And I think failure is also revelatory. I was happy to realize that while I was deflated in the setbacks, I was not defeated. The interest in screen writing, but not getting into the program, led me to pivot to auditing a class on campus in the fall. I’m invested, and excited. The lack of promotion made me reflect on how far I had come, even if I was considering that this would be my highest point in the field. It occurred to me to thank everyone that had helped me get to this place.

And that self belief carried me to accepting auditions for the next audio book. For years now, I’ve had the plan to crowd fund the fourth book, and packaging the first four in print and the first four in audio, along with special art as the gift for the support. The problem was how would I finance the third book. I cannot fully recall how the first one came about, the idea of it. I know that the financing came from the yearly windfall from tax season, for that book and the second. For my unrelated novella, it was short enough (pricing is “per finished hour” of production) that I could afford it with a few lean months. And likewise once again, place and circumstance saw me coming into just enough money to make a third happen. And the question that always comes up is “do you believe in yourself or not?” I was happy to say that even after all the recent less encouraging news, that I still did. So here we are.

The process this time was unique, just like the last. I had a first choice, but I had questions. In the midst of our exchanges of hashing out various details, the person just stopped replying. I waited. And I waited. Then I went back and listened to some other files in search of a runner up. Ultimately I pulled the trigger on a second option, then didn’t hear back at all. As far as third time being the charm, at this point I have made contact, had exchanges, alleviated some doubts and made an offer, which was accepted. I uploaded the manuscript, and now for the unkind waiting. I can say though that I am more patient now, which is to say not really, but as I explained to the producer, that it be done well is much more important to me that it be done quickly. So, at least for today, I can wait. I will wait.

              It’s pretty humbling to grow, and by doing so recognize how much farther one could still advance.